How have you been? It’s been a while, I know. I’m lurking behind the shadows. 

Everyone knows that Siwon, Kyuhyun and Hyukjae went here in Manila and I couldn’t do anything in my power to see them. It’s a choice, but I chose not to and It’s hard. I’m restricting myself. I’m being selfish, but I needed to sacrifice. 

You know, I’m kind of thankful that Sungmin didn’t join them on their trip here. It’s weird to say this since he’s my bias, but it will test everything I’ve put into the things I’m doing now. 

I’ve cried when I heard that Hyu came with them, because he’s second on my list. how I wish I could see him and my friends said something, they said that they feel the same since they’re casselfs, but it’s different. I know because I’m an ELF. 

I don’t know if I’m still deserving to be called as ELF since I’m restraining myself, holding back on them, but does it count if I tell you right now that I still cry at night thinking of them, that I’m doing what I do now just to see them, that I still think of them even if I ignore the things that’s happening? does it? dies it?

I’m slowly drifting off of the fandom, but I cannot give Sungmin up.I love him even if it’s a bit overrated. I know in my heart I really do, but not in a possessive kind of way. I’ve learned to share him even if it’s sometimes hard, considering the situation and the fans (I’m not pointing out to anyone) and I sometimes cry knowing that I cannot do anything about my situation and the way I’m feeling.

Also, I’m only keeping myself alive with just Kyumin fics. I’m a hardcore Kyumin Shipper, but I don’t wanna bash people that likes to pair my OTP with other members. I’m contented with reading just a fic or two to keep myself sane and to keep this feeling in me.

I’ll forever be grateful in this fandom, in our fandom and I will always support them deep inside. I won’t leave for now, but soon I know I’ll have to give them up, I’ll hang on for now and cheer on the boys and especially Sungmin. :)